Never Again
by lurknomoar
Summary: Standing on that beach in Cuba, watching missiles bear down on soldiers of East and West united in fear of the unknown – it may be the first time Charles Xavier ever feels truly lost. 'Erik. Erik, they are terrified.'


Standing on that beach in Cuba, watching missiles bear down on the saviours of humanity as East and West unites in fear of the unknown – it may be the first time Charles Xavier ever feels truly lost. He has always been able to see the best in people – after all, if you saw _everything _in people, it was only a matter of choice to see the best. But there is no good to see here, no understanding, no mercy, no hope, nothing but certain approaching death. Not until Erik's hand shoots out, and the missiles obediently halt in mid-air. Halt, and then turn.

Erik is a glaring absence by his side, his face framed by the helmet, his mind a blind spot, his thoughts nothing but grating static.

'Erik, you so said yourself, we're the better men.' Charles says, frantic. 'This is the time to prove it.'

Erik doesn't dignify him with a response, maybe he didn't even hear him, Charles can't tell without his powers. It still takes him as a surprise when Erik gives an almost lazy wave of his hand, and the missiles set out on their graceful trajectory back towards the ships. He wants to stop Erik, to convince him or to force him if all else failed, but he doesn't know how, there is no way to think his way through the numbing nothingness of the helmet, not even if he strains as hard as he can, not even if he breaks his mind trying to –

And then he feels it. He feels the fear. There is hate there too, and anger, and confusion, but mostly fear, and so much of it, so strong, it almost knocks him off his feet in a freezing-choking-burning wave. The men on the ships, all of the ships, feel fear. He turns his minds towards them, the men watching missiles speed closer and closer, the missiles they fired in the first place, and the men who can't even see, who only just heard their comrades' disbelieving shouts, and do not yet know what happened, only that it was something really bad. He sees their fear, and he can't look away.

In one second, he knows this: … why did he give the firing orders that man could never keep a cool head how is he even in command … I hope somebody else will manage to blow up those fucking mutant freaks … I didn't do anything it wasn't my fault I never interfered with the business of the big people why is this happening to me … I have failed my boys I have led them into danger they will not die a good death and I promised them I promised me … are there lifeboats can I get into a lifeboat would it even work would it sink can we bargain with them can we bribe them is there a submarine is there a plane is there a … the picture where is my picture of her why did I leave it in my bunk now I can't take it out and look at her face before I die I love her maybe if I just think about her eyes so green … he is here with me why can't he be somewhere else another ship another country anywhere else why here I love him I have to watch him we will die there will be nothing left nothing to tell … I was prepared for this they told me this is how we do it stand up back straight die with honour they will say I died with honour will they say … no no stop crying not now stop it stop it stop it pathetic who cares who could care now nothing matters go ahead cry fucking pussy … hail Mary mother of grace the lord is with thee … he who makes peace in his heights may he make peace upon us and upon all Israel … I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul … and forgive us our trespasses … oh god -

And he also knows: … is this because I kicked the man in the windowless room and kicked him again and again no it can't be he deserved it they told me he deserved it … why didn't they tell me about this when I was a little pioneer so proud of my red neckerchief why didn't they say a soldiers' job is to die … so what if I killed them there is no hell worse than this to go to … I wanted to go to college after this just a year more I said a year or two mum why the hell did I think I could do this people like me can't kill people like me can't die … I'll never get to go home I'll never see my street my room my bed in the Bronx in Leningrad in Fort Smith in Krasnoturynsk the plane trees the river the old city wall … I'll never see Lizzie again little Lizzie so smart she can already say Dada … Kolya will cry he will ask after me what will they tell him will he understand Kolya with his little curly head such a beautiful little boy… I hope the child is born safe I hope she won't name it after me I don't deserve it not after this … must think of her must think of him must think of them must have a last thought that is good must not die without … it has been a pleasure serving with you gentlemen …

And he knows that some hold into the hope of a better world in heaven or a better future on earth, some hold onto their comrades' white-clutched hands and some into memories of the last time it seemed like everything could be all right, some are defiant, but many cannot even think for the deathly despairing fear that is upon them and the only thing in their mind is the simple plea _not to have to die_, and Charles wrenches his mind back to himself, and without thinking, gasps

'Erik. Erik, they are _terrified_.'

This time Erik turns to look at him, and his eyes widen in surprise. Charles is distantly noticing that while he his mind is clear, his body is shaking so much that he can hardly stand – the thousand-fold burden of dying fear took its toll. Erik looks at him, and then looks through him, out at the ships. He hardly seems to see them, and this time, despite the helmet, Charles knows exactly what he sees instead. He sees death in agonising confusion and intolerable fear, he sees men locked in like animals with no way out, one breath away from stampeding one another for a chance of living a single second more, he sees men who don't know what will happen and men who have already accepted that nothing will happen ever again, he sees death advancing from all sides, merciless and unstoppable, and there is no time to say the goodbyes you want to say and soon there will be no time to say or do anything ever again, and Erik clenches his hand.

'Never again.' He says, and the missiles rise, circle and explode, far above the unharmed ships.


End file.
